Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.