Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
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Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.