joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Just how popey was the pope today?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…