Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
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It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?