God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I have questions??
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.