Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Happy Febuary everyone!
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time