The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My dad is at it again
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.