RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Room with a view.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.