what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
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[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.