Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Facebook marketplace is a different world
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Every house has this drawer
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.