Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s