You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
😂 amazing answer
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
fair
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS