Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
titanic
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.