Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total