I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic