Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.