I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
rapatouille
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.