“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.