Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft