*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
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When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My favorite farside!!
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.