We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.