in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]