fly smarter, not harder
You Might Also Like
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.