Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
mathematically impossible
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.