Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
a badder mouse
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?