Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I’m not proud
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Cucumbers Anonymous
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.