Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
This why you should mind your business
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!