Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My daily affirmation
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.