When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
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[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I WON A HAM TODAY
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.