One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Breaking news:
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.