WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Just a reminder, folks:
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better