When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
You Might Also Like
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.