[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*limbos away from your hug*
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.