I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears