HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied