Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.