dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Friday
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.