Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.