If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You鈥檙e so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That鈥檚 me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I鈥檓 like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
me before I type out affect or effect
I鈥檓 convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 馃挭
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Pretending I鈥檓 eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don鈥檛 fit anymore.
Wife: it鈥檚 probably cause of all the muscle you鈥檝e put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you鈥檙e probably right.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she鈥檇 maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 馃檮
I鈥檓 really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
馃槵
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[Valentine鈥檚 Day]
Husband: These Reese鈥檚 hearts look weird. And why aren鈥檛 they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese鈥檚 pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes