Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
🍛
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Most fashion shows these days…
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.