If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
WTF
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”