Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend đ
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
⌠and for my next trick, I will appear to know what Iâm doing.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight heâs going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, whatâs your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
People donât know this but thereâs no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman thatâs been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when theyâre leaving?
What a year we’ve had this week.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction đ
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, âYour Uber driver has arrived!â gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friendâs house
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
âDo you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?â -Veggie Burgers
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months