I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
…żyje?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon