I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
You Might Also Like
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
🤣🤣
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.