Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?