*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
You sure about that?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
“No way.” -Jose
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?