Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.