Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
scares
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.