Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.