As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
This might be the funniest tweet ever
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.